


Again

by a_pitchfork_said_no



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-12 23:38:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9095683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_pitchfork_said_no/pseuds/a_pitchfork_said_no
Summary: Late at night, Jeong Jeong agonizes over a letter to Iroh. Set shortly before he deserts the Fire Nation.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains some references to self-harm which may be triggering for some people. It should also be said that I wrote this with mostly my own experiences in mind and may not ring true for everyone who experiences these feelings.

_I'm hurting myself again._

  
Jeong Jeong stared at the words before crumpling the paper into ashes.

_Iroh, it's been too long since we've shared tea and a pai sho board. I believe you owe me a rematch. By the way, I'm losing my mind._

No.

_Everything's fine. But-_

No.

_Please help, I-_

NO.

All the candles in Jeong Jeong's office were blazing. He tried to slow his breathing, but the ashes floated around him and the cabin soon felt stifling. He needed air, before he set the ship on fire.

Above deck, Jeong Jeong was greeted with a clear night, the moon waxing, not quite full yet. The salt air hit his face as he took a deep, cleansing breath and leaned against the edge.

The few crewmen stuck with night patrol started to approach, but a sharp look repelled them away. Turning back to the water, Jeong Jeong took a few more breaths, trying to get the taste of ashes out of his throat. Automatically, he dug his nails into his palms.

He didn't want to tell Iroh it was happening again. He remembered the first time he admitted it. A young navy officer in wartime, people didn't question random injuries. But one night one burn went a little too deep and he felt his life spinning out of control.

Iroh was nothing but supportive: _You can always talk to me instead._ But Jeong Jeong couldn't help but feel ashamed. This shouldn't be an issue. He should be able to control himself. And he did, for years.

Telling Iroh would just make him worry. Again.

Jeong Jeong could feel his mind starting to race; he closed his eyes and dug his nails deeper. _Keep breathing._

It wasn't normal to want to hurt yourself; he knew that. No other firebenders turned on themselves like he did. But lately, when he started to think about the villages he burned, the lives he took, the increasingly despairing realization that no one else felt the same way; nothing else helped. When he began to drift out of his mind, nothing else brought him back to earth. 

He deserved it anyway.

Jeong Jeong gazed into the waves lapping onto the side of the ship. He knew exactly what Iroh would say.

_You don't deserve this._

But I do, I do.

_You're not crazy._

But I am, I am.

_How can I help?_

You can't. No one can.

A sudden wave of exhaustion hit Jeong Jeong, he rested his forehead against the cold metal railing. Tonight was over, there was nothing left but to return to his quarters and collapse into sleep.

Tomorrow, he'd wake up, receive reports from his first mate, make plans for attack, and pretend that everything was fine. Just like he did today.

He gripped his shoulder harshly, until the fresh cut reopened.


End file.
